TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely out of spot. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Sure, absolutely sure, let's have A different location where by American Adult males can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: provide Absolutely everyone a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must halt applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Great tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, Trump Tower Damascus The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from Area, a function getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after finding the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not only ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting notice from international investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel wherever my PTSD might have change-down company."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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